Not Handy

So I went over to my friend Tamarie's new house this weekend and witnessed the benefits of having a handy man in your life. Tam's man, Zach, is quite handy, creating numerous wooden structures that perform such useful things like holding clothes or makeup or dishes or what have you. Zach makes custom cabinetry. Zach is handy.

Kevin, God love him, is not. I remember once when we were trying to install a window AC Unit and finding him completely unable to do it, I screamed at him.

"My father could fix anything in the house, and you can't even install a window AC Unit!"

"Well," Kevin retorted, "neither can you. If you don't know how to do something, it's probably true that I don't know how to do it either!"

I feel real lousy about that incident...so today I want to make a list of the benefits of having Kevin around even though he is not handy. The man truly is knowledgable...just not about woodworking.

Because of Kevin, I know...

what a click track is
how Keith Moon died
you should never eat inside a tent
the history of Houston head shops
how to get a cat to purr really loudly
how good Grey Gardens is
where the best taqueria is
how the Houston freeway system is laid out
why Thelonious Monk is this really big deal
why Miles Davis is this really big deal
why Howlin' Wolf is this really big deal
all the words to Waterloo Sunset by The Kinks
the best way to make friends with a stray dog
how to identify a bird
how to spend the day doing absolutely nothing
how to be sweet and good

And you know what? I can't cook for shit, but Kevin doesn't give me grief about it.

I LOVE MY NON-HANDY MAN.

Live Crucifixion...TODAY!

Right now, as I type this...at this church down the street from our neighborhood over here on the East Side there is a man with long hair and a beard covered in "blood" and hanging from a huge wooden cross...it is part of their "live crucifixion."

Seriously, there is a big blue and white banner next to the cross that reads "Live Crucifixion from 7 am to 7 pm TODAY" or whatever...and there's this dude, alive but "crucified" hanging from this cross with streaks of red fake blood covering his nearly naked body. I am not shitting you...Oh yeah, and he's got the crown of thorns thing happening too.

People who I can only assume are fellow church members are on the ground at the foot of the cross looking up and talking to him...when I drove by and saw this sight I literally screamed out loud because it scared me so bad. I hope no kids see it because it is truly disturbing.

I have to say some of the realism is ruined by the fact that the dude playing Jesus is talking back to his fellow church members down on the ground...

(Imagining conversation...)

"Hey Bill, how you feelin' up there?"

"Well, my arms are kinda achy...but, you know, that's nothing compared to what the Lord and Savior went through during the real thing."

"Well....we're heading down the street to the Burger King. Can we get you anything for when you come down?"

"Yeah...a hamburger would be nice."

"Want fries with that?"

"Yeah, some fries would be nice...Heck, I'm playing the Lord and Savior today. I think I deserve some French Fries, don't you?"

(Laughs) "Yeah man, I think you do."

The Outsiders...I heart you (esp. Ralph Macchio)

So...we got married thank God, and now we can get back to normal. I can't imagine what the hell life was like when you got married and didn't live together first and you were a virgin and everything...

It's nice to be married.

But one weird side effect is that, at least for me, I suddenly feel like a real adult. I mean, Kevin and I still basically live like one step above college students...I mean with our IKEA collection and our "found this on the side of the road" furniture and our glasses with "The Fonz" on them. But there was something about becoming a wife that has made me feel....old...and suddenly I am nostalgic for my kidhood...like, I'm talking 12, 13 years old. Like, back then.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm teaching "The Outsiders" to my 7th graders right now. That takes me back...I failed a science test in 6th grade because I stayed up all night reading that book instead of studying about amoebas or whatever useless thing it was that I learned in science. After becoming obsessed with the book I became just as nuts about the film, starring unknowns at the time...Ladies, get ready for this roll call: Matt Dillon, Rob Lowe, Tom Cruise (wacko now, true, but not then), Ralph Macchio, C. Thomas Howell, Patrick Swayze, and Emilio Estevez. Rowr. Ralph Macchio was my favorite...I know he was kinda dorky, but whatev.

It had been almost ten years since I'd seen it, but because a new director's cut was released this year, I bought the movie on Amazon about two weeks ago and, when it arrived, I kicked back with a bottle of white wine to watch.

K walked in when I was a little tipsy and just after the Johnny death scene and asked me what the hell was going on...I was kinda crying, and I just yelled out, "I'm having the time of my life here!!"

You see, I think there is a certain group of women a certain age who can remember exactly where they were the first time they heard the words "Let's do it for Johnny!" or "Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold." These greaser boys were so super fine in their denim jackets and their Converse and their dirty faces and their cigarettes and so on and so forth...

Basically, that movie is responsible for a whole bunch of women falling for the archetypical bad boy...sensitive yet tortured yet caring yet dangerous...that movie is why I spent roughly 15 years in search of my very own bad boy...and the thing is...well...in movies, that dude always turns out to be a really great catch and an awesome boyfriend and everything. But in the real world more often than not a guy like that most likely is gonna give you chlamydia and break up with you...soo......

Anyway, not sure where this is going. But it's good to be married to a good boy, it's good to be an adult who remembers being a kid, and after all these years Ralph Macchio as Johnny Cade still gets me giggly.

Stay gold, ladies.