Hot As Balls

Where the hell did this phrase come from, and why do I continue to use it even though its origins are unknown to me.

"It's hot as baaaaaawwwwllls, y'all."

My diction, my euphemisms, my phrasing, even my accent has changed over my 28 years as I've moved from place to place...For example when I lived in Chicago I tended to use the phrase "schlep" as in "I'm gonna schlep over to the Jewel and get some raw cookie dough to eat with my wine." I also started using the phrase "pop" instead of soda.

One persnickity thing I refused to use was the queer Midwestern way of not finishing a sentence. Instead of "I'm going to the Jewel to get some raw cookie dough to eat with my wine, do you want to come with me?" they would say, "I'm going to the Jewel to get some raw cookie dough to eat with my wine, do you want to come with?"

Yes..."Do you want to come with?"

Totally ridiculous.

Now I say y'all and hot as balls...hot as a crotch, that's a good one...don't know if that's regional though.

Cinemania

Man, I wish Kevin would agree to watch movies like "Freddy Got Fingered" with me...but he won't...

Sample conversation at Cactus when we're trying to pick out a movie:

ME: Hey, lets get Freddy Got Fingered!!!

KEVIN: No thanks, I'd rather watch this four hour German film.

ME: What about Anchorman? With Will Farrell? Wanna watch that?

KEVIN: No, the German film will be fine. It's full of postmodern Jungian undertones mixed with contemporary Dadaist critiques. It's going to be fascinating.

ME: Hey man, I thought I was the one in this family who went to Northwestern.

KEVIN: It doesn't show, does it? Now pick up your drool cup and your copy of Old School to watch later when you're alone and let's go home.

So I Got Electrocuted Today...

I went to a sports medicine place for my arm. They electrocuted me -- specifically, they attached small electrodes to my arm and delivered low levels of electricity in an attempt to relax my damaged shoulder muscles.

"It's gonna feel like ants crawling on your skin," said the female aide who assisted me. "I'm gonna turn it up higher and higher and you tell me when it gets to the point where you feel like you just can't take it anymore."

Uh....oh....kay.

It felt odd, but not uncomfortable. I sat there with these little electric pulses running all over my shoulder, just staring out the window at breathtaking downtown Houston.

The treatment occurred in a large room with several chairs that looked like they could have belonged in a dentist's office. As I sat receiving my treatment a handsome looking young man in his very early 20s walked in and sat down in the chair facing mine. He took his shirt off and the aide attached electrodes to his shoulder, just as she had done with me.

The boy also took his socks and shoes off, and that's when it got weird. The aide straddled the end of the chair facing him and proceeded to rub his feet with some lotion as both the boy and I were getting electrocuted. The aide was young and quite attractive, and I found myself wondering if the young man was nervous about getting his feet rubbed by such a cute girl. However he simply immersed himself in a book about Lance Armstrong.

All in all it was quite a weird experience. I kept waiting for Dennis Hopper to come in and start doing some weird sexual thing in front of us but that didn't happen.

Cold Hot

I've screwed up my arm somehow...it hurts...my right arm.

I've utilized the Kroger version of "Icy Hot" which is called "Cold Hot." I find it hard to understand why "Icy" is somehow a copyrighted word but "Cold" is free for the taking. So is "Hot."

I worked out anyway. I'm 28, I eat heart healthy, I do aerobics three times a week. What the hell happened to me.

Anyway, I did this work out called "Power Blast" that involves biometrics. That's a fancy word for jumping. Now I'm sitting in a sport bra and shorts, I'm all sweaty, I'm drinking a Bud and I'm stinking of "Cold Hot."

It's good to be an American.