Jake v. Lloyd

Jake Ryan or Lloyd Dobler? That IS the question!

The 11-year-old innocent girl in me still wants Jake, but the 18-year-old punk rock depressive wants Lloyd. Now these two facets of my personality have merged, and the question is: Jake or Lloyd?

Let's do the math: Jake was clearly better looking, but Lloyd had that endearing little pointy face. Jake was clearly better looking, but Lloyd liked The Clash. Jake was clearly better looking, but Lloyd was hilarious. Jake was clearly better looking, but Lloyd clutched the boombox. Jake was clearly better looking, but Lloyd didn't want to go out with Diane Court only because she filled out some sex survey in independent study where she put down exactly who she would do it with and then that's why he went out with her!!! I mean, come on...am I the only one who found that totally gross?

Truth be told, it really is no contest. I don't even know why I posed the question. It's Lloyd Lloyd Lloyd.

You know, Kevin is pretty Lloyd-like. I got my Lloyd Dobler except with a truck and not a Chevy Malibu. I married a Lloyd Dobler. Thank you, God.

Here's the other thing I never understood about "Sixteen Candles." How did Samantha and Jake kiss over the cake, and she didn't catch on fire? What is up with that?

Next post: Ducky v. Blane...as if there is even a debate?!?!?! Oh yeah, and I'm now as old as the Annie Potts character in that movie which is totally and completely blowing my mind.

Never Gonna!

You know what? I'm never ever gonna read "The Unbearable Lightness of Being." I'm never gonna, so why the hell do I keep it on my bookshelf, like haunting me or something.

I AM NEVER GONNA READ THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING!!!!

I bought it like 10 years ago when I was more concerned about looking deep. If stranded on a desert island I would rather have 52 issues of US Weekly than then Unbearable Lightness of blah blah blah cover has a hat flying up in the air whatever.

There's Nothing Like an Old-Fashioned Obscene Phone Call!

It's close to midnight, and I just got an obscene phone call from a man who claimed we went to school together and he "missed that SWEET ASS!"

What the!?!?!

Is it just me, or are obscene phone calls a little 1987? I mean, in this day and age with the spam and the dirty pictures people can sent you via the Internet and the PENISZ EXXTR BIGG 2NITEE!!!! E-mail messages and God knows what else, obscene phone calls are a little...dare I say...quaint. A reminder of a time when unwanted pornographic communication was not sent via faceless, voiceless computers but through a simple little phone line that connected us human being to human being.

So, to the 48-year-old fat virgin who still lives with his mother...thanks for calling me tonight. You made me believe in the innocence of America again.

And you're right about the ass.