White People Are So Lame

Why are white people so lame?

Tonight Kevin and I went to the Big Easy on Kirby to listen to Grady Gaines and the Texas Upsetters. It was a pretty mixed crowd, but the dance floor seemed full of totally lame white people. You know the type. The type that act as if they've never heard Aretha Franklin's "Respect" before in their entire lives, so when they hear it, they have to jump up and down and dance like lunatics.

"I feel like I'm at a frat party at Sigma Chi, " I whispered to Kevin.

I mean, I love Aretha Franklin, and in theory I love "Respect." But I've heard that song 207,334 times in my life and it's lost some of its magic (sadly). So why are these lame white people dancing as if they've never heard it before EVER? As if they might blow a freaking gasket if they don't get to the part where they can spell out respect with the crowd and then "sock it to me" over and over (along with the sock it to me moves...oy).

It's the same way with, like, the canon of soul songs that white people love to dance to.

The Canon
Brickhouse by The Commodores
My Girl by The Temptations
Celebration by Kool & the Gang
Car Wash (don't know who sings it, but it's the one that goes, "Workin' at the car wash yeah, doo doo dee doo doo dee doo)
Respect by Aretha Franklin
Proud Mary by Ike and Tina
That song where the women sing about prostitutes in French (Lady Marmalade or whatever)

Okay, so I totally know there are more, but you get my drift.

I know I'm not saying anything original here. Much has been said about white people and how we move our asses in this really frightening way when we dance, and much has been said about the white man's overbite and about the way white girls have a scary way of dancing that always makes it seem like one of them is going to run into something with their huge, gigantic purse. But it's on my mind tonight.

I don't know what the answer to this problem is. But evenings like this make it very clear to me why God invented punk music. You know what I'm saying?