The Girls Next Door

Okay, so it's been too long.

Here is my rant on E! Entertainment Television's reality show entitled "The Girls Next Door." This show follows three of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends who live at the Playboy Mansion and take turns servicing him. The oldest is 31. The youngest is 21. They are all blond with big tits, and they all speak in this weird California upspeak that, if you close your eyes, makes them sound not unlike junior varsity cheerleaders. They have no apparent jobs, other than lolling around the Mansion waiting for Hef to dictate their next move.

Straight up let me say this. I'm all about the ladies getting their sex positive groove on, getting their vibrators, getting their erotica, what have you. I'm all about embracing your body and wearing short skirts if ya' wanna and shit like that...but if I might...can I please let the armpit hair sportin' "Sisterhood is Powerful" quotin', bra-ditchin' 1970s old school feminist take you for a spin for a minute?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN!?!?!

First of all, they must sleep with Hef. Hef is old. His ass is most likely flabby. He is not, in any way, attractive. Money and fame and power equals sexy to you? Fine, whatever. Let me say this...somewhere in this world of ours there must be a man closer to your own age who also has money, fame, and power yet who doesn't need an Viagra IV drip to do you for 5 minutes.

Second, they must sleep and date ONLY Hef. Yet Hef is allowed to screw and see whoever he wants.

Third, THEY HAVE A CURFEW. A 9:00 pm curfew. The last time I had a curfew I had a poster of Kirk Cameron on my walls and boobs that could barely fill a juice glass. Basically, I was like 14 years old. Any man who gives an adult woman a curfew is an asshole. Any adult woman who allows a man to give her a curfew is a fucking idiot with self esteem so low she makes a teenage anorexic look empowered.

Fourth, they live in the equivalent of dorm rooms at the Mansion, complete with little dry erase boards on their respective doors. Sorry, but you reach a certain age you deserve your own kitchen. Even if you're like me and all you use it for is to mix gin and tonics.

Fifth, even though one of them claims she has her Master's Degree and is working toward a DOCTORATE, she weeps because Hef has never asked her to be in the magazine (none of the girls have been featured). One of the other girlfriends says being in the magazine would give her "legitimacy" as one of Hef's gals. The third is too dumb, I think, to realize that in a few short years she will be traded in for an even younger, blonder model without getting the $$$ from one stupid Playboy shoot.

Sixth, the saddest and most pathetic episode to date followed one of Hef's former gals (Barbi something), now in her 50s or 60s, paying a visit to the Mansion. With her dyed hair covering her obvious plastic surgery scars, she tried desperately to flirt with Hef and catch his attention once again, to the disdain of his three younger girlfriends.

"Frankly, she's just too old for Hef now," said one of the three dim bulbs, obviously ignorant to the fact that she had just witnessed her own pathetic future.

Phew.....okay, that took a lot out of me. Next week I'll try to figure out "Breaking Bonaduce" for you.

Revolution sisters!
Zeldagrrrl